The difference between indulging in a healthy dose of remorse, and in an unhealthy guilt trip has a lot to do with our self-esteem. A balanced personality will use situations, no matter how bad, as a lever to take them to the next level. Someone with low self-esteem can use events, no matter how insignificant, to reinforce their sense of unworthiness.
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‘Guil-tea is a tea one
should not drink!’ is a statement that was told to me by a dear friend in
London about 3 decades ago. And ever since it has helped me to get over my
trials and tribulations with honor and self-respect. Not that I have done
anything to have the FBI chasing after me(!), but as I strive to become a
better person I realize that it is possible to feel guilty about the smallest
mistakes on a spiritual journey. From that conversation I realized that guilt
can be a misguided emotion that actually takes me away from my spirituality.
Guilt can overcome the soul and lead one into depression and
resentment. However if it is understood as a signal for change, it can prompt
one into positive action and towards a better character. We all have experiences
of doing things at one stage in our life that we end up regretting at a later
stage. But what is more important is what we do with those feelings, and what
actions we take as a consequence.
Let us firstly differentiate between guilt, the fact, and guilt
the emotion. Pronouncing someone guilty in the court of law is a factual event
but it does not necessarily mean the assailants ‘feel’ the guilt of their
actions. On the extreme other side of the coin there are many of us who can
feel guilty over almost anything; wasting food, stepping on an ant, or walking
away and realizing later that the cashier has mistakenly handed me extra
change.
The upside of guilt – or, I would rather use the term feeling
remorse – is that it is our inner guidance system letting us know the
consequences of our actions. The emotion of guilt or remorse can nudge us into
realising a mistake, and help us begin to make some reparations or at least
awaken the conscience to the fact that we need to be more careful in the
future. If we did not feel the guilt, we would never change or recognize the
difference between right and wrong, good and bad. In this way the feeling of
guilt or remorse can be a stepping-stone to becoming a better person.
The downside of guilt is that we can wallow in it for too
long, stay stuck and never address the situation. A situation may be blown out
of all proportion, so that it colours our perception of life from that moment
onwards. We can lose courage and hope and never be able to face friends and
family again. We can never change and transform from this type of guilt, as we
are simply using it as an excuse to beat ourselves up.
Living with guilt means to live in the past, not the present
and definitely not the future. It’s a bit like driving forwards whilst looking
out from the rear view window. It’s a dangerous place to be. We can never enjoy
this present moment, because it will always be adulterated with our past
memories. We are always trapped by the actions of our past. To put the past
where it belongs – in the past – is the only way to be free. Letting go is the
best gift we can give ourselves.
The difference between indulging in a healthy dose of
remorse, and in an unhealthy guilt trip has a lot to do with our self-esteem. A
balanced personality will use situations, no matter how bad, as a lever to take
them to the next level. Someone with low self-esteem can use events, no matter
how insignificant, to reinforce their sense of unworthiness.
In reality, guilt does not have a place on the spiritual
path. There is only place for realization. Realisation is the key to learn, to
heal and move forward. We learn that to make a mistake is one thing, but to get
stuck in it is an even bigger mistake!
Feeling guilty leaves us feeling powerless. We wish the
situation could have been different, we bemoan that it happened, but we do not
realise that the answer is in our own hands. As a master, I take full
responsibility for my actions, and I also take the necessary steps for
self-change, whatever has happened has happened, it cannot be changed, but I
can influence what happens next.
