Two Questions My Parents Never Knew They Taught Me

What will Baba do? What will Mama say?

These two questions have served me well for many years and given me peace of mind. 

I didn't even know I was practising an established doctrine, but since childhood, whenever I wanted to do something (or go somewhere) controversial, I would ask these questions.

The answers always gave me the confidence to make difficult decisions — mainly because of the kind of lessons I learned from my parents before I stopped living with them.

I will share some examples before I present the proven principle.

As a child, I was raised to believe there are consequences for every action and decision — whether you were the one involved, or simply someone who stood by while others acted. 

I remember a time when someone stole money, and my mother found out that I had asked that person to give me a sausage at school. 

Well, I made the confession myself — and I was flogged like the thief, twice. 

My mother used the abara while my father used the koboko. 

After the punishment was served, she explained that anyone who dines with a thief will sooner or later begin to steal. That lesson has never left me to this day. It has shaped the way I deal with people. 

Once my value system tells me that both Mama and Papa would say no or act differently, I will decline — even if someone is willing to pay me.

Today, an incident happened that reminded me of all this — especially of my late father.

There is an older woman against whom I had nursed a very bitter grudge for a long time. I won't go into the details of what caused it, but it had gone on for so long that I began to avoid her entirely. 

She started it, and I was not willing to go near her. I knew she disliked me too. However, she is not an evil woman — she is actually a kind person. Kind and good people can still upset you!

Today, I cannot quite remember how it started.

Anyway, I was out walking and our paths were about to cross as i could see her coming in my direction from the other end of the street— there was no way to take a detour this time. 

The anger in me grew, and I was already thinking about how I would finally let it all out and say exactly what I felt to her face. "I am not a coward," i told myself.

But something changed.

I thought of my late father at that moment — still walking, but slowly, still in the middle of those thoughts — and the question came: What would Baba have done? The answer came immediately. I had seen it happen before; I had witnessed how he handled moments like this. So I chose that path. Not out of fear but fact that he was right.

I eventually caught up with the older woman, I greeted her with full local respect.-you know that warm Idoba. And instead of the nonsense I had been rehearsing in my head, I genuinely acted as though nothing had ever happened. 

The woman, who had not been at ease at first, took the initiative from there. Far more than I had expected, she was talking like an old friend and a mother — both of us were smiling and visibly pleased. But more than that, she prayed! In a way that i felt the heaven listened and echo "Amen". Then I moved on. I felt lighter and truly fulfilled. I promised to call and to visit!

The method worked for me and it can work for you. 

What is the Papa-Mama Test? 

Whenever I want to do something, or I find myself confused, I ask: What will Papa do? and What will Mama say if she found me doing this? The answer never takes long to arrive, because I know both of their values deeply — even though I have not lived near them for years. Their spirit follows me everywhere. 

The formal version of this test, which I later discovered and personalized, works the same way and redefined my value. Anytime you want to do something that is controversial or carry heavy outcome that will go beyond me, ask yourself: If my mother were watching, would she be happy? If the answer is no, abort.

But don't stop there. Apply the doubt test as well. Ask yourself, If you were the father, and someone was doing that same thing to your son or daughter, would you happily endorse this? If the answer is no, abort immediately.

This is the one of the reasons i delay decision when dealing with controversial subject even when other person see it as weakness. It is not about morality. It is a mirror effect. If you yourself cannot accept something — if your loved ones cannot approve of it — then it is not worth any amount of money or fame. One does not need to be a saint to know this.

There is a small quote I used to read as a child: " Everything we do today will find a way to return to us one day — greatly multiplied."

Much more than this, it is compelling reminder that our parents' greatest gift to us is not just the life they gave, the school fees they paid, or the care, but the framework they left in our minds—a compass that allows us to navigate the world with dignity, even when they are not physically present.